


Prayers

by This_Yolo_Mofo



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Dean Prays, Depression, Gen, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Mechanic Dean, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-30
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2019-01-07 09:48:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12230424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/This_Yolo_Mofo/pseuds/This_Yolo_Mofo
Summary: Dean is struggling and Mary suggests praying to Castiel. In the end, it's just too much and Castiel will never be able to forgive himself for being to lateor the alternate happy ending (chapter 2) were Castiel is just on time





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Not beta read, so there will probably be some mistakes  
> Please don't read if it might trigger

_Hey Castiel_  
_So, you probably don't know me, but uh, I've been having some trouble dealing with things lately, and my brother and mom said it might help praying. I don't want to be rude or anything, but I'm not really a believer. My mom thought you would be the best angel to pray to, so I, uh, I thought I would try it out._  
_I'm having a hard time lately, my dad is being a little hard on me, and my work shop isn't going as great as it used to. I think dad would rather I took more after my little brother Sammy. He's off at some collage studying law, and I'm hella proud of him, but it's really not my thing, you know. I like working on cars._  
_Anyway, the reason I'm praying, beside my mom telling me it might help, is because, uh, it doesn't really matter, does it?_  
_I don't even know if you can hear my prayer, or if you are listening, and I feel weird talking to basically no one, but uh. Thanks, if you were listening. I'm not gonna admit it to anyone, but, uh, it might have helped a little._  
   
**  
   
_Hey Castiel, it's me again. I realize I didn't tell you my name last time. I don't even know if you care, or if it's necessary, or if you already know it, but anyway. My name is Dean, uh, Dean Winchester. I've been a little stressed lately. Since the workshop is still running slow, and I don't have as many customers, it's been a little harder paying my bills, but, uh, I haven't told anyone yet._  
_I don't really wanna bother anyone with my problems, and I don't really know why I am praying to you again, but since it helped a little last time, I hoped it would this time as well. I know it sounds stupid but, uh, it helps talking about it, even if there isn't anyone down here with me._  
_My mom and Sammy keeps calling to ask how I'm doing, trying to make me talk, but I don't really feel like it. Dad stopped by the workshop the other day too, said he came to see how I was holding up. I think mom sent him to try and get me talking. Dad hasn't really cared all that much about it before. Sam has always been the golden child in his eyes, the favourite son, no matter how much everyone else denies it._  
_I mean, he's going to become a lawyer, and he's got a girlfriend, and a lot of friends, and he went to Stanford. I finished high school, and then I opened the workshop, and I don't really have anyone except the employees. They also keep complaining about my drinking, but it helps me cope._  
_Anyway, uh, thanks for listening again._  
   
**  
   
_Hey Castiel. So apparently I'm becoming depressed. According to mom anyway. She's trying to talk me into seeing a psychiatrist so I can talk about it, and get better. I don't like the idea of talking to some stranger about my feelings. I'm already talking to you anyway, a shrink won't help me._  
_Also, a lot has happened since last time I prayed. I, uh, I lost the workshop. I didn't have enough customers to keep it going, so now I'm employed by one a few blocks away from my apartment. My boss is a real dick, but at least I can pay my bills._  
_On a brighter note, my brother proposed to his girlfriend, so they are all set to get married. Mom was thrilled, and they are already starting to plan the wedding. Dad seemed really proud as well. I know I am. Sammy and Jess deserves each other, they deserve to be happy._  
_I, uh, I tried dating for a little while too, but it didn't really work out. I got a new friend though. His name is Benny. It's nice to have someone to go out and grab a beer with once in a while. Sammy doesn't really like him though, since he is an ex-con, but I don't really see the big deal about it. Benny has been straight for a few years, and I know he doesn't want to be thrown back into jail, so there should be no problem. It's probably because of his calling of being a lawyer._  
_Thanks for listening to my babble Castiel, if you are._  
   
**  
   
_Hey Cas. Can I call you Cas? I'm gonna call you Cas._  
_Mom got me to go talk to this shrink she knows. According to her, my depression isn't as small as my mom thought. I don't really like her though. She keeps pressuring me into talking about things I'm not comfortable telling her about. Apparently I'm also really insecure, but I don't agree. Of course she doesn't care if I agree with the diagnosis she is giving me anyway._  
_The moment my family found about this, they have kept calling me and making sure I'm okay. I don't necessary dislike their concern, I just get really tired of being asked if I'm okay all the time, and that when I tell them I'm fine, they don't believe me and keep pestering me. But I swear, Cas, I swear I'm fine. This shrink lady has no idea what she is talking about._  
_I really don't like her. I know I already said that, but she has made everyone step around me like I'm going to fall apart at the lightest breath of the wind. I'm sick of it Cas, I'm so sick of it. I wish I never even agreed to go the stupid shrink._  
_You know, sometimes I think it would be easier for everyone if I never even existed, but I guess that's why the shrink claims I have depression. But honestly, I think my family would have it easier without me, especially now that the shrink says I have problems. And who the fuck gave her the right to tell my mom. She's not supposed to be allowed to tell anyone, but she claims she could because she was afraid I'd commit suicide or some shit. Can you believe that? I wouldn't do that, I mean, that would make everything harder for my family, at least for a little while._  
_No, I think it would be better if I just moved far away and cut all contact with them, that way they would probably stop caring after a little while, and I wouldn't need to cause them any trouble._  
_What do you think, Cas?_  
   
**  
   
_Hey Cas. So I realize I have depression, but the shrink only makes it worse. I've tried stopped seeing her, but my mom freaked out, so I've kept seeing her. My mom is so afraid I'll do something stupid, and she keeps wanting to check my wrists. She's afraid I'll start cutting. She also keeps inviting me over to dinner almost everyday, I don't think she realizes I need my own space too._  
_Mom's even gotten Sammy to start calling me every other day. He claims he just wants to catch up and talk since we never really get to see each other, but I can see past his lie. He's invited me over for dinner with him and Jess a few times too._  
_Also, my friend Benny was sent back to jail. Apparently they found some new evidence on an old case that connected him to the crime, and he's now in for at least another year, if not more. He was the only one I could really talk to, except you. My family seemed sort of happy I don't get to hang around him any more though._  
_On another note, my boss has gotten around to being an even bigger asshole, and is threatening to fire me. Apparently I suck at my job, and I'm way to slow, but in reality, I'm just helping this other kid a little as well. But my boss won't listen to me, so now my job is at risk too._  
_I really don't feel like getting out of bed anymore. I just want to stay in the warm comfort of it, and just turn off my phone. But I know that if I do that, my mother would be hysteric and would be over here in a moments notice to make sure I'm okay if I don't answer my phone._  
_I'm just so tired of everything Cas, just so tired. I wish it would all just end._  
   
**  
   
_Hey Cas. It's me again._  
_Sammy got married a few days ago, and there was a lot of people invited to the wedding. It was nice, and I kept trying to stay happy and smile for my brother, but the looks some of the people were sending me made me want to crawl into a ditch and never get out. Apparently the whole family knows about my problems, and I don't have enough fingers to count how many times I was asked if I was okay. But I pulled through the day for Sammy._  
_Also, the shrink lady have given me these pills. Antidepressants  or something like that, and she's making me come to her three times a week now. I think she is trying to drive me insane. She also keeps updating my mother on my 'condition' like I'm twelve. I'm pretty sure that's illegal. So now, my mom calls me every other hour to check up on me._  
_I lost my job last week, but I haven't told anyone yet. They're gonna go all mopey, and mom will probably insist that I move in with them. I'll probably need to tell them soon though, since I have to pay my rent in two weeks, and I hardly have any money._  
_I'm looking for a new job, but there aren't a lot of people hiring, and I've really lost all my motivation. I don't know what to do anymore Cas._  
  
**  
  
_Hey Cas._  
_I can't do this anymore. It's all to much. My mom is coddling me, and I think my dad sees me as an even bigger disappointment than before. My brother and his wife is also coddling me, checking up on me, and they keep trying to bring me along for things, or setting me up with their friends._  
_I can't deal with it anymore. All the coddling, those concerned looks, and the disapproving ones from my dad. The hushed whispers behind my back when they think I can't hear them. All the dates set up with my brothers perfect little friends that all went to Stanford._  
_I'm so sick of it all, so I've decided to end it. My shrink is still not helping at all, and still only making everything worse, and the fucking pills doesn't do shit._  
_So I just wanted to say goodbye. I've really appreciated talking to you, and if you were listening, thank you for that. Goodbye Cas._  
   
**  
   
Dean sat in the shitty rundown apartment. He'd been given a small loan from his parents to be able to pay rent, so he wouldn't have to move in with his parents. No matter how much he knew his mother would have preferred that, because then she would be able to keep an eye on him at all times. He was silent as the last prayer to Cas left his lips, an old gun he'd never really used held in one hand, a bottle of Jack in the other.  
Neatly written notes were folded on the kitchen counter. Small notes with his final goodbye's to his family and to Benny. There was even a small note to Cas there, though he doubted the angel would ever really read it. He'd prepared everything.  
With a slightly shaky hand, Dean raised the gun to his temple. His eyes squeezed shut as fresh tears ran down his already tear stained face. A small whispered goodbye left his lips, before the resounding bang of a gun filled the quiet apartment, followed by the sound of breaking glass as the bottle of Jack hit the floor, and the low thud of the gun slipping from Dean's limp fingers.  
   
Cas looked at the scene in front of him, tears gathering in his eyes. He was too late. He was too late that one time it really mattered, and he would never be able to forgive himself. A single tear escaped his eye as he stared at the lifeless form that used to be Dean Winchester. He was slouched in his favourite chair, dried tear stains on his face, and blood was matted in his hair, and was running down his temples, a pool forming around him. In addition was the splatter on the walls, and the Jack Daniel's that was getting mixed with the blood on the floor.  
His heart ached, and Castiel had no idea why. He had never felt something like this before. Maybe it was because he had let himself slowly fall for the human that had been praying to him, that had confided in him when he needed someone to talk too, no matter how awkward he claimed he felt. And now, Castiel had let him die, all because he was too late to actually answer his prayer and stop him.  
No, Castiel would never forgive himself for this.  
Before he left again, he noticed the folded notes, and saw one with his name on it. Quietly, he made his way over to the kitchen counter and picked it up. Castiel didn't know what to do, he was conflicted, and therefor just stood and stared at his neatly written name for a few minutes, before he was able to open the note and read it.  
Another tear escaped his eye, and the angel pocketed the small note in his trench coat, before he left the apartment with the sound of fluttering wings.  
   
A week later, the funeral was held, and Cas didn't fail to attend, standing in the back undetected. The angel watched Dean's family weep over him, all of them saying goodbye. He could even identify Benny, who was attending with a police officer to say goodbye to his best friend for the last time. After the last one had said their goodbyes to Dean who was dressed up in a suit, and was lying peacefully in a coffin, Castiel slowly made his way up to say his own goodbyes.  
This caused a lot of people to look at the angel in confusion, most wondering who the hell he was, but no one uttered a word as the angel stared down at Dean. "I'm sorry I was too late," he murmured, but almost everyone heard him, and murmurs spread around. John glared at the unknown man as Mary stared at him with tears rolling down her cheeks like a water fall, making her vision blurry.  
"Who the hell are you?" John demanded from his wife's side. Castiel turned to look at him, and he tilted his head slightly to the side. For a moment he wondered if he should answer the man, before deciding he should. "I'm Castiel," he simply stated, making Mary let out the slightest of gasps as Cas quickly made his exit, and disappeared before anyone could see where he went.

 


	2. Alternate - happy - ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, I decided to write an alternate, happier ending. I might add more to it in the future if I feel like it, but for now, this is the happy ending

Dean sat in the shitty, rundown apartment. He'd been given a small loan from his parents to be able to pay rent, so he wouldn't have to move in with his parents. No matter how much he knew his mother would have preferred that, because then she would be able to keep an eye on him at all times. He was silent as the last prayer to Cas left his lips, an old gun he'd never really used held in one hand, a bottle of Jack in the other.   
Neatly written notes were folded on the kitchen counter. Small notes with his final goodbye's to his family and to Benny. There was even a small note to Cas there, though he doubted the angel would ever really read it. He'd prepared everything.   
With a slightly shaky hand, Dean raised the gun to his temple. His eyes squeezed shut as fresh tears ran down his already tear stained face. However, before he could pull the trigger, a rustling sound echoed in the small apartment, followed by a panicked whisper of "Please, don't". The gun fell to the floor, so did the bottle of Jack, as Dean jumped slightly in surprise.   
He opened his eyes again, and saw that the voice belonged to a man in a trench coat with the bluest eyes Dean had ever seen. "Who..." Dean trailed off as the man took a step towards him. "I'm Castiel," the angel told him, his voice louder this time, but still lower than a normal volume. Dean shuddered at how deep the mans - no, angel's - voice was. He didn't know how to react, knowing that he had actually listened to his prayers. Of course he had hoped, but it was something entirely else knowing that the angel had actually listened, and cared enough to stop him from giving up.   
"There is still hope, please don't give up," Castiel begged, walking over to Dean, and pulled him into a hug. That was when the man broke completely, and started sobbing into Castiel's shoulder. Dean was clutching onto the fabric of the angels trench coat, scared he was going to disappear should he let go. The angel, of course, had no intention of leaving him, and hugged him back just as tightly, letting his hand run through his short hair.   
It took hours for Dean to calm down. When he finally did, he was exhausted, and hadn't even noticed that the angel had 'magiced' the mess of Jack on the floor away. Castiel gently helped him into his bed and tucked him in, before he walked into the living room again. Picking up the gun from the floor, the angel tucked it into one of the inner pockets of his trench coat.   
Looking around the small apartment, Castiel felt a lump in his throat as he imagined what the place would have looked like had he been to late. A sigh escaped his lips, before his eyes landed on the already written letters on the countertop. Walking over, he pocketed his own to read for later.

When Dean woke up the next morning, he sat up in his bed, wondering if the angel had actually showed up or if it was just a dream. He practically tip toed into the living room, finding Castiel sitting in the same chair he had been sitting in the night before, just staring blankly into the air. This caused Dean to clear his throat slightly, and the angels eyes snapped up to his face. "Good morning, Dean," he simply greeted, and this time, Dean had the time and attention span to notice how deep his voice was. He swallowed slightly, his mouth feeling dry. "Morning, Cas," he greeted back.   
Castiel decided to say something after they had been sitting there in silence for a whilst. Dean was nearly finished eating his break fast, sipping on coffee at the same time. When he had offered the angel something to eat, Castiel had politely declined, telling the human he didn't need sustenance to live, and that food wasn't very appetising for angels since they could taste every molecule. "I think you should talk to your family. Tell them what's going on." Dean just stared at him for a little while, before he shook his head in denial, swallowing down the rest of his coffee. "I can't. They would never understand," he muttered, and Castiel gave him a sad look.   
It took Castiel a week to convince Dean to talk to his family. During this, Dean had gone about his time as he usually did, including visiting the therapist, no matter how little he wanted to. He had somehow found his routine changed slightly to fit around Castiel as well, who hadn't left since he had stopped Dean's attempt at suicide. There was something comforting about having the angel around, however, when Dean asked him to come along when he talked to his parents, brother and sister-in-law, Castiel had said it was something he needed to do on his own. As Dean walked out the door, the angel muttered a few words that caused the anxiety ridden man some comfort. "If you need me, I'll be there." 

Dean felt uncomfortable where he sat in his parents living room. His parents, Sam and Jess were all there, waiting for him to tell them what was going on, why he had asked if he could talk to all of them. He couldn't seem to get his brain and mouth to cooperate, or just his brain for that matter. His mouth felt dry, and he didn't know how to start, where to start, what to say.   
It didn't take Mary long to pick up on it, and she leaned forward slightly, taking one of Dean's hands in her own. "Is everything okay?" she asked gently, her voice quiet, gentle, like she was afraid he was gonna get up and high tail out of there without an explanation if she spoke to loudly. Dean looked up from the spot he had stared at on the floor, and they all immediately noticed the tears in his green eyes. "No," he whispered, his voice sounding slightly choked, as if it pained him to admit it out loud. And it did, it really did pain him.   
"What's wrong?" Sam asked immediately, his entire being filled to the brim with worry as he clutched tightly to his wife's hand. Dean looked to his brother, and almost hopelessly answered with a small "everything," though it sounded more like a question. After that, everything seemed to just spill out of his lips, whilst his family sat there, just listening to what he had to say, not once interrupting him.   
At the end, after Dean told them everything, they were sitting there in varying stages of tears. John, however, felt a little doubt at the end, about the entire angel thing, and he decided to voice it. "An angel," he stated, deadpanned. "An angel stopped you from committing suicide when he just randomly appeared in your apartment," he asked, however it didn't sound like a question. Dean looked at him, and nodded his head slightly, he could tell his father didn't believe him. "Are you sure you didn't just have little to much to drink and imagined it?" John pressed, causing Dean to swallow hardly, suddenly feeling a familiar sensation crawling over him; panic, anxiety and depression.   
Without a second thought, Dean quietly begged Castiel for help, not knowing what to do. "He stayed with me, he's been staying at my apartment since it happened. He convinced me to tell you, ushered me out the door earlier," Dean tried not to stutter over his words as he said this, however John still didn't look very convinced. However, before he could say something, the familiar rustling sound could be heard, followed by the voice Dean had come love and connect with safety.   
"Dean," Castiel said, startling everyone else. Dean looked up at him, relief washing over him, and he stood up just before he was swooped into a hug by the angel who could tell he was overwhelmed. Castiel started whispering comforting things in Dean's ear, and soon the man relaxed enough to let go, and sit back down. The angel followed suit after, taking a seat next to Dean.   
"Who're you?" Sam asked in confusion, and Castiel turned to look at him. "I'm Castiel," he simply stated, which caused Mary to take a sharp intake of breath. Not once and Dean mentioned which angel he had been praying to, or which one had showed up, and finding out her son had actually taken her advice on who to pray to as well, was a surprise. 

It took a while to convince John that Castiel was actually an angel. After that, a lot more explaining ensued. It was late when Castiel and Dean returned to the apartment. Dean was tired, but he was feeling slightly more relieved than he had in a while, like something heavy had been lifted off his chest. That night, he'd carefully asked Castiel if he could stay with him during the night, next to him in bed. The angel complied, having looked at Dean with a soft gaze. Dean fell asleep with a small smile, cuddled up next to Castiel, who was watching him with a soft smile.

**Author's Note:**

> Might make an alternate ending or a small continuation, what do you think?


End file.
